Some of my faith building experiences in the last couple weeks.

I am going to start out by saying, I don't think this will be a short post. Sorry. There has been some amazing things that I have gone through and since this is a part of our family journal I wanted to make sure and say all that I am feeling. I will also say that is has always been important to me to let those who always keep my family in their prayers, I want them to know how prayers are answered. I want to take the time to say thank you as well as hopefully renew your faith the way mine has been.

So I want to start with my little angel girl. It has been hard for me that her development is behind. Not the same way it was for Porter, but at the same time I know what these things entail. I know what it will ask of all of us and I know that she will face many challenges. Unless you have seen a kid do therapy you can't truly understand how hard they really work. Can you imagine being forced everyday to do things that can be painful to you, or something that you can not handle at all in any sense. Everyday you are forced to confront all these challenges and it is tuff. Porter has sensory issues but they are almost the complete opposite of Brinley's. His problems are that he does not feel things enough. He sometimes may not know that what he is doing is hurting his body or he even seeks really intense direct contact with areas to his body for comfort. He does this mostly by hitting his head and chest against our couches. He runs full speed and will fling himself as hard as he can into the couch and then turn around and head for the other couch. He can do this all day. But for Brinley many parts of her body when you touch them she responds like it is painful to her. She feels things too much and it is overwhelming and very uncomfortable to her. Her feet are by far the most sensitive. I take her foot and have to massage it and she will just cry. I have never felt like I couldn't push Porter, or even push him harder. He came out with a fight in him. I know I can push him and that it will be for the best for him. Brinley is such a sweet little angel and it is harder to push her. I catch myself wanting to give her a break because I feel bad for her. I have to remind myself that without work she cannot get better so I keep pushing but it has been harder for me. I have to make myself choose to push her.

It has also been hard on me because I am not sure what is going on with her. I like answers. I like knowing what fight I am fighting. It helps me feel empowered and like I know where to attack. I prefer to take my battles head on. I hope that she will be able to catch up and that she won't have any problems from here on out, and that I will never even need to know what went on. But I also have this feeling that if something is really wrong the sooner I know, the better I can help her. For these reasons I pray a lot for guidance. I trust that the Lord will help me push for answers when and if that is right.

One thing I had not expected was to see so quickly her making improvements. Therapy with Porter has always been long and slow. There was so many times I was looking at the sacrifices therapy was asking of our family and wondering if it was worth it. So it has been great to see a difference so quickly. I am sure she will continue to respond well the therapy and that has really helped me feel a lot of peace.

I wanted to share some of those feelings with you so that I could better explain what happened next. Since we found out about Brinley I have had moments of panic, thinking how in the world will I take care of two kids with needs right now. I have four kids and I was really starting to feel like I was getting a better balance with Porter and my other kids. So what will new therapy and all of that mean for Nickelle and Bennett. Can I do this again? But then I will shortly after have this really calm feelings come over me. It reminds me that I can do this. I am a fighter and I am strong. I have 4 amazing kids and they have not been ruined yet. They are healthy and happy and they have endured all this before. Saturday night I was up thinking about all this, and frankly was feeling overwhelmed. So I woke up Sunday and spent every minute I could reading my scriptures. I needed to be able to lean on the Lord and I knew I had to work as hard as I could to focus on him and not my worries. At church I felt the spirit strongly and had a wonderful experience with one of my favorite people that left me feeling understood and loved. She understands my challenges in a really personal way and talking with her helped me feel strong enough to do this.

This lead to the next event. Because of that talk I felt braver. We had been waiting since January to find out if Porter would be able to go to Pingree again next year. I had not heard a yes or no and with everything with Brinley I was really scared to call. I was dealing with her and was afraid to need to deal with the disappointment of him not being able to go. So Monday morning I woke up feeling like, I could face it. I was remembering that the Lord has always taken care of Porter and he always would. I called and asked to speak to the director of the elementary program. She got right on the phone and I asked her if she could tell me whether or not he had been accepted because we had not heard anything and I needed to know. She was surprised because they had sent me an acceptance letter and she was wondering why I had not responded. She thought we were maybe weighing out some options. I was so surprised I made her tell me again that he was really accepted. I got off the phone and called Dallin and we both were on the verge of crying. I could feel this big weight lifted of my shoulders. Then I called my Mother in law and told her. The first time Porter was accepted she was with me and we hugged and cried together. I knew she would be that happy again, just like I was. I feel in awe at this week. I think it is interesting how it came that I found out about school for next year. I know about my personal journey during that time. I was really praying and had my heart in a place that I would be ok with his will. I was praying hard not that he would be accepted but that his educational needs would be met. I worked hard at making his will mine. It was a powerful faith building experience for me. Even if he had not been accepted but had gone somewhere else for school, I know that I would feel the same because of how much more my faith has grown.

I want to share a scripture that I had read that Sunday and some of my personal thoughts about it. I am just going to share the first part of the scripture even though the last part is really amazing so read the whole verse. But this is the part that hit me this week. Mosiah 2:24 "And secondly, ye should do as he hath commanded you; for which if ye do, he doth immediately bless you..." Sometimes when we pray we have a specific blessing in mind that we either desire or need. We can become frustrated thinking that the blessing is taking too long or that it is not working out in the way we want. Sometimes we even allow ourselves to feel like our prayers are not being hurt and that the Lord does not want to answer them. We are promised that as we keep his commandments we are blessed immediately but it is whether or not we are willing to see those blessings. Without opening our eyes and our hearts to truly see the Lord's hand in our lives we will be missing out on some of the real treasures from our Heavenly Father. We can be caught up in the end result but really it is the path we took to get there that is the real blessing to us. The Lord blesses us with knowledge and understanding during these faith building times and that has been my experience with this. I spent my time not focusing on the end result and the answer I wanted. Instead I let myself see the journey I was on and see how it was blessing my life along the way. Porter's school may not seem like a trail of faith but it was for me and many others who have prayed for him. Of course the blessing of him being able to attend school for another year is tremendous to our family. But personally I am so grateful for the last few months and the lessons and blessings I saw while on the path. I definitely have noticed a change in my prayers and what I spend doing in the day. I look for his hand and because I look I see it. I wanted to share that with all of you and hope that you will try this out for yourselves and see if it helps you in times of trails. The rest of the verse says "and therefore he hath paid you. And ye are still indebted unto him, and are, and will be forever and ever..." I know that I am indebted to him as well as the many prayers that are constantly being said on Porter's behalf. For that I am grateful.