My handsome Bennett

I have been thinking a lot about my Bennett. It is easy to look back and remember and hard to look forward. It is always hard to face the unknown and to trust that it will all work out. When I find myself feeling overwhelmed I am so blessed to have learned so many lessons already because of Porter. But I think it is good for me to say out loud to those I love, that yes I have learned a lot with Porter, yes I have had four years in the world of autism and I do know so much now, yes he is starting at a better place than Porter, and yes we know what to do next. But what is hard at the end of the day is that Bennett has autism. He will spend everyday of his life battling this, and we will spend everyday of ours battling it with him. He is my baby boy, my sweet, funny, full of joy little boy. Because of this as a family we have to grieve that, and we will continue to grieve that for the rest of our lives. I had my own hopes and dreams for Bennett, and again we have to face that those dreams are changing and that only time will tell what that will mean for him. Just because we have learned to fight for Porter does not mean we have learned to fight for Bennett. That will come I know that, but I also know that I am at the bottom of a steep hill and this time I am carrying a lot more on my back. When I acknowledge that to myself it helps so much. I can't be wonder woman, I can only be me.

I feel so humbled that the Lord gave us our beautiful amazing kids. Sometimes it is easy to see how Porter and Bennett are unique and special and pure, but I have also been given two beautiful girls whose weight is just as heavy as their brothers and just as painful. I am so grateful for my children. They are all unique, special and pure. They amaze me in how they handle their trails, and I learn so much by being their Mom. We were able to talk to the kids and tell them about Bennett. Autism is a pretty common topic at our house. We are always teaching and discussing. We know that it is important for our kids that this be something we can all share easily with one another. I asked Nickelle how she felt about it and she said it made her really happy because that meant Bennett was special and that we would be able to help him and pray for him. What an outlook. She knows what that means to have a brother with autism and don't let her age fool you, she is more than aware of what the differences are, but she is always so proud of her brothers and so happy to pray for them. I told her that it would mean a lot of my time would have to be in therapy again. We talked about what that would mean for her and what I would need her to do to help me out. She has really been so helpful and she is always willing to help when I ask. This morning Porter woke up with the flu and she was ready to be his nurse. She changed her clothes into "taking care of you clothes" and she was asking Porter what he needed. She was running around the house doing anything he asked and really made sure I was doing my job. She kept rubbing his back and bringing him things. She was his nurse and even got a piece of paper, a clipboard and a pen and starting writing what was going on with him. If she thought I needed to do something she would scribble on her paper and then come in and let me know what I needed to do. I would do it and then she would check it off. This is the kind of sister my boys have. How could they not love her and lean on her? Then we have our Brinley whose quiet sweetness brings so much calm and peace to our family. She is so loving and kind. She is so funny, and just frankly an angel. My girls are beautiful in every aspect of who they are. I look at the weight they have had to carry and then I look at what the Lord has blessed them with and how could I not see his hand in their lives.

I had a really beautiful and special experience that helped me so much. From that I learned that God has been with me at every turn, he has given me strength I did not think I had and all along has helped me carry this load. I know he will continue to do so. One of the biggest tender mercies of the Lord has been where we live. I will never forget the miracle of this door opening. I hope I never take for granted what that has meant for us. He not only put us around so much family, but he placed us in a neighborhood and ward who was prepared and accepting of us. They really were prepared for us. They prayed for a long time for young families to come and because of that when we came they all knew they had been praying and fasting for us. They lift us in so many ways. We know we are loved and what a blessing that is to us.

I have learned that there is pain in life and there is agony, sometimes we suffer through pain and sometimes we suffer through agony. The difference is the degree of pain, but the similarities are that we still have pain. No matter the amount we are going through it hurts and we still need the Lord to lean on. He is always there. He always has been. Look for him and you will see him. What a beautiful time of year. We went to a live nativity (if you have never gone, go) and as we entered the city of Bethlehem everything around us was almost dark, and then you turn the corner and there was the Savior, there was the light, there was the peace. In this city of Bethlehem that was full of so much darkness, there in a manger laid the King of Kings. I hope you all take the time to look for him in your life. We are so blessed. Thanks for the love you show our family, we love you and I hope you are having such a fun, and sweet Christmastime.

Love,
Season