Learning all the time!

Sometimes I feel like I spend a lot of time learning and educating myself. I have been doing that a lot lately. I have lots to learn and so I work at it. Last night I was able to attend an IEP class. It was much needed. But I left feeling just as clueless if not more so than I came. I realized that I know less than I thought and it is a little intimidating, the good news is that I did leave feeling a little more empowered and that I did know my rights and how I can advocate for Porter and Bennett's rights. The rest will come in time with experience I am sure. I also get to attend a special needs conference on Saturday that I am really excited about. It was hard in Idaho not to have any of these resources there weren't even support groups. I really hope that some programs will begin there for the families in Idaho they need this.

I met a woman last night who is really at the beginning of the autism journey. She came up to me after the class and had a lot of questions. I sat down with her and just listened. She shared a lot with me and ended up crying and telling me how overwhelmed and exhausted she was. I spent some time sharing with her my own story and letting her know that it was going to get easier. I was also able to share some of the things I wish I would have known. I told her the importance of getting breaks and finding a release. I was able to give her some advice in how to include her husband and how to understand him more, I hope I was able to give her some tools to help her on her journey. The teacher from the class was with us for quite a while. She had a son with special needs who is an adult now. She was really funny and said she was really impressed with me and asked if I had ever considered working for the Utah Parent Center to help educate and support other families like mine. I laughed a little and told her that she was very sweet, but she went on and said that she was really impressed with my advice. I told her that right now I am really in the thick of things with my own kids but that down the road I would love to do something like that. I get that a lot from people in the special needs community. I don't think I am special or that I have all the answers, I think I am just open with what I have been through and I am comfortable sharing about it. When you go through something as painful as this it is so personal that it makes it hard to share. I have never really had a personality like that and I am grateful that it has been able to bless other people in our same boat. But at the same time what you are going through is not something most people can relate to, or understand. It means so much to have someone who has felt those fears, shed those tears, and struggled every day with your same battles. We laughed for 5 minutes about the nightmare of cutting hair and nails. Honestly it is one of the hardest things for me to put my boys through. She kept asking me my age which was really funny. I told her that a diagnosis of autism automatically ages you 15 years. She is 52. She got married when she was 49 and got pregnant, which was not planned. In a way it was nice for me to see that someone a lot older than me and who has had a lot more life experience is just as lost as I was. She shared with me how hard church has been for her, she told how most Sundays she ends up in the Mother's room crying. I told her I spent a lot of time early on in the bathroom on Sunday's crying, every once in a while I still do. But I told her how to include her ward in her son's life. I told her how she can educate the kids, and I told her that in time she will feel like she fits in with the sister's in her ward. I was able to remind her of all the ways her ward is showing love already to her son, and she agreed. I told her that in time when she sees all the primary kids it will no longer be a reminder of what is lost, but it will be replaced with a love for the children who are blessing her son and leading him along. I told her that in time she will no longer sit next to her relief society sisters and feel different and that she can't relate. I told her that she will recognize suffering and that she will understand suffering and that she will gain a deeper love and compassion for those sisters. She will understand that suffering is the same for everyone, no matter what causes it. That is what makes us the same and what makes us sisters. She will discover that she can be someone they can lean on and that she will be able to bless them because of her experiences. I left her with my contact information and told her that I would be more than willing to listen if she needed to cry or if she needed advice or if she just needed someone to bounce off ideas for her son. I left realizing that I was able to do something for her that she really needed and I was grateful I was so open with her. I hope she went home and was uplifted. I hope she went home and allowed herself to rest and slow down. I hope she went home and was able to forgive and love her husband more. I hope she went home and realized that she is not alone. I hope she went home and was reassured that she is loved, and that she would be able to carry this burden, and that her life would be full and happy.

You are probably wondering why I am sharing all this. I am really hard on myself. I get frustrated all the time with my inadequacies. I constantly feel like I could be more and be stronger. I have always struggled with recognizing my own worth. It is so easy for me to love others, but so much harder for me to love myself. This has been a big struggle for me. When Bennett was diagnosed all I could think of was how inadequate I was to be able to handle two autistic sons, I was convinced that I was going to fail miserably. It was really hard to put my faith in the Lord that he somehow knew I could do this. One day I was really down and struggling with these types of feelings when I got a phone call. It was from a member of the seventy, Elder Alan Packer. He had recently returned from North Carolina he had been out to see the mission and to see how things were going, he was able to spend a lot of time with my in laws. Through talking they shared with him about all their children and mentioned us and our two boys and mentioned that our younger son was just diagnosed. Long story short he called me and he said a lot of really special things to me that day, but the thing that hit me the most was that he told me that the Lord was qualifying me to do this work. He didn't say if I read my scriptures or if I prayed or anything he said to me that already the Lord had qualified me to do and that he would continue to. The Lord has made me strong to carry this burden and that he would continue to do so. I was so uplifted that day. I have not had a single hard day since and this was a few months ago. Ever since then my self confidence has grown so much. Instead of feeling like I can't do this, I realize that I can, and that the Lord was providing so many ways so that I could. We all have things in our life that are painful, that everyday we work at, that we grieve about, that we struggle with. I am no different than anyone else. My trials may be different and unique to me, but so are yours. I left last night so grateful for the lessons I have gained and so grateful that I can share that with someone else who is at such a trying time. I hope that you will share your experiences with people you never know who needs your help. You will be so surprised at how much personal healing comes when you share with someone else what you have been through.

There are times when I feel angry at autism, that I wish it would leave my boys alone, that is would not cause them so much suffering. There are times when my heart breaks as new milestones aren't hit, and may never be. There are times when I watch other kids and wish that my boys could have that, and be apart of that. There are times when I am so exhausted that I am not sure if I can make it through one more melt down, and one more battle. There are times when I feel defeated, and discouraged. There are times when I feel so alone, and wish more than anything that I had a friend or someone I could turn to, who has been through this and could give me advice. There are times when I wish we could do normal family things like vacations, and disney land. There are times when I wish my girls did not have to give so much for their brothers. There are times when I wish Dallin was able to have typical father son experiences. There are times when I wish we could make it through church and not have screaming, crying and melt downs. There are times that I wish I could spend more time with Dallin and that we could get away just the two of us. There are times when I wish I could just go to the store and it not be such a big event that leaves me so exhausted. But there is never a day that I don't feel loved, and that I don't feel the love that is there for my boys. There is never a day that I love my boys less or that I would want them any other way. There is not a day that I am not grateful for the special needs community that I am apart of. There is never a day where the Lord's tender mercies are not so vivid in my life that it would be impossible not to recognize them. There is never a day that I don't love the Lord and all that he has given me, autism included. There is not a day that I am not grateful that right in my home is the gift of eternal perspective. I know where I want to be and who I want to be with. There is not a day that I am not grateful for how close to the Lord I have become from my experiences. There is not a day where I am not grateful for how close Dallin and I are because of what we have been through. There is not a day where I don't laugh and celebrate my children. There is not a day when I don't look at my girls and wonder how they could be more special and able to handle their burdens. There is not a day that I don't marvel at my boys and what they are accomplishing no matter how impossible.There is not a day when I am not grateful for autism and what is brings to my life. After talking with this sweet woman last night I was thinking of all I have learned and am still learning and I am truly grateful for the journey. Next month is Autism awareness month and it is one of my favorite times of the year. There is so much educating that is going on and it all goes towards a more loving world for my boys. I am truly grateful for my life, and the journey it has been. I hope this finds you all well and happy in your life and in your own challenges.

With love,
Season