The wonderful world of Autism!

You probably think I am being sarcastic but over the last year as we have joined this crazy world at first I thought nothing but heartache could come from Autism and I have learned there are a great many things I love about this journey we are on as a family. Last night I was lying in bed realizing it was this time last year that all the testing had started for our son and the long journey we have been making ever since ran through my mind. All the sudden I felt overwhelmed with happiness and incredible memories as I have been looking back. Then I thought I really should share some of those things with people so they know that Autism at times can be such a beautiful thing.

One thing I have to say is that my son is a completely innocent person. Even on days when he is having a lot of struggles and can become aggressive I know this is not a behavior problem this is a autistic problem. As Nickelle has headed right into the terrible two's we realized we never once have had to deal with those kinds of issues when Porter acts up we know exactly how to resolve the situation and it is never having to give into something he wants. It is all based on his needs.

My son is unusually perceptive to the the spirit. All children are but Porter is in my opinion even more so. He is very proud that Jesus is his friend and without us even teaching him he has always understood reverence. As long as I can remember Porter has always been very quiet during prayers and when we are in  sacred places Porter senses the spirit and just knows how he should act. His absolute favorite place has been the temple. As we have gone through Porter has treated so reverently the temple. He is very calm and at peace right in the temple. He often tells me that it is Jesus house.

The problems I face with my son are not typical so it has actually helped me keep my life in good perspective, for example I don't fret over the little things anymore. I see my life in a very different way, everyday problems seem just tha,t a everyday problem. For example we have had a hard time getting Nickelle off a bottle, before this would have been something I would fret over until I had a perfect solution and I could solve the problem. Now I see it as something that is hard for Nickelle but really is it that big a deal if it is taking her so long, I don't think so. I can be more patient with her help her at a pace that is not what fits me but her. Also this goes with what other people say to me. By nature I am a extremely sensitive person when someone says something to me hurtful it really is a big deal to me. Now that I have people more often saying things to me that are much deeper and a whole lot more hurtful I find it incredibly easy to let it roll off and just see it as a misunderstanding that's all. I am a lot slower to anger and that goes with my family as well. 

I have watched my daughter have the opportunity most children never get to have that is being so close to someone with these kinds of challenges. I have watched as this is molding her into such a compassionate kid. In many ways she acts older than she is and at times can even seem the older sibling. She has incredible love for someone who at times can be quiet cruel to her and her love for him is completely unwavering. She even understands when Porter is screaming at the top of her lungs and then she starts up and then she is the one who gets in trouble. She accepts that and understands her brother has it different. She is gracious with her time with us as parents and is patient for the few moments a day when Porter will let her in for just a little while. She is an amazing little thing.

Dallin has become even more amazing this last year. We have learned the true meaning of companionship and have learned to share with one another our deep suffering and sorrows. We have learned to trust each other more and to value one another more. We have cried together and been incredibly patient in each other's healing never pushing one another fasting than we are ready. He amazes me with his unwavering faith and true acceptance of the Lord's will. When we talked about having another child and realizing we were at a higher risk or having another child with Autism Dallin's attitude blew me away. He has let me know many times that if that is the Lord's will he fully accepts that and he is fine with that. He has endured a crazy wife struggling with her own insecurities as well learning to love and accept how I handle grief. He has been patient, kind and loving. Dallin's deepest desire from all this is constantly how can I be serving the Lord more. How can I best help my family. How can I show the Lord how much I love him. He has become even more my best friend and he is the true love of my life.

I could go on and on but I want to end with the most powerful gift we have been given as a family and that is a deeper ability to love. It can be hard to love someone who hurts you, who will not talk to you, or say your name, it can be hard to love someone who at times cannot even be in the same room with you because it is too overwhelming to them, it can be hard to love someone who at times can show you very little affection and love and has a very limited ability for compassion. It can be hard to love someone who is physically demanding and can cause harm to their bodies as well as you. It can be hard to love someone who can spend an entire day screaming and cannot be touched. These things can be hard normally for anyone to do. But we have found it so easy to love him more than ever and to forgive quicker. This has taught us to do the same thing with everyone. I love my husband so much more now and find that I absolutely need him and that he is my companion in all things. I find loving my children has become so much deeper and more intense. I see now that we are willing to walk through the deepest darkness to help them in this life. We have learned to be more compassionate toward those around us. So many things before that I could not understand on a very deep level I understand so much more because I understand pain and suffering. Overall I think we are having more Christ like love in our lives now than ever before. Lastly I have learned so much deeper what the Savior has suffered for me. He has felt this sorrow and besides Dallin he is the only one I know who has suffered what Dal and I have suffered this last year for our son. I not only love Jesus I need Jesus and find I depend on him for everything. I have learned to plead and pray constantly for his love, comfort and guidance. 

So looking back now to a year ago when we first started down this road and I wondered if I would ever stop hurting and suffering I can say not only yes but so much more. What a beautiful journey we are on and I am grateful for the trials we face. I am grateful to be apart of the world of Autism. I am not ashamed in who my son is or the challenges he faces I embrace them and I am so happy with who he is. Days and weeks can be long and hard and there are still many days I have to shed a lot of tears and I don't think that will ever stop but I can always say I would not change a bit of it. I am grateful for growth, I am grateful for the progress our son has made, I not only see it as a miracle but truly in the Lord's hands. No matter how hard I work at something Porter gains skills in his own time and truly with the Lord's will. Again I say what a wonderful world Autism is! Thanks to you all for you friendships, compassion, understanding and kindness. We treasure you more than you will ever know. We have been blessed to have such wonderful people in our lives.